Multi-Generational Living in Idaho: Building a Home That Works

A successful multi-generational home is about more than the floor plan. Discover practical strategies for setting expectations, establishing healthy boundaries, and creating a home where every generation can thrive together. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

And we're back. This is the last segment of the hour for the Ad Ho Life Show Real Estate and Community. You've got Garrett and Shelby talking about multi-generational living this afternoon. So three segments down, one to go. And Shelby, this last one is the one that nobody talks about, and everyone has to figure it out.

SPEAKER_01 0:18

Yep, the human side.

SPEAKER_00 0:20

That's right. So because you can buy the perfect house, you know, you can structure the loan and the title perfectly. You can have the suite with a separate entrance, you can have the kitchenette, the private garage. And if the five the family dynamics aren't right, the whole thing falls apart in eight months.

SPEAKER_01 0:38

Eight months, and somebody's storming out and somebody's not talking to somebody at Christmas. We've seen that movie, haven't we?

SPEAKER_00 0:45

Pretty much. So let's start with the most important thing. The single most important thing you'll do. So having the awkward conversation before anybody moves in.

SPEAKER_01 0:55

Yes, before, not after, not as it's happening, before.

SPEAKER_00 0:59

And we've jokingly called this the family prenup. And people laugh, but I'm I'm honestly only halfway joking. It's something where you sit down at the kitchen table, everybody who's going to be living in the house, the adults, and you walk through every uncomfortable thing.

SPEAKER_01 1:16

Garrett, give us a list. What are the questions to walk through?

SPEAKER_00 1:19

Okay. So number one, meals. You know, are we eating every night together? Once a week, Sundays only, does mom expect to cook for us? Do we cook for mom? You know, what are we what are we doing for the meals?

SPEAKER_01 1:31

That's a big one.

SPEAKER_00 1:32

Yeah. And number number two, so are the kids. If grandparents are moving in and you have a small number of kids, what are the expectations around the childcare? Is grandma watching the babies on Tuesdays, Thursdays is part of the deal, or is that kind of a favor that she does when she feels like it? So really kind of spelling things out like that, or one side will assume one thing and the other side will assume the opposite.

SPEAKER_01 1:57

Yeah, and that's where the fighting begins. Right. And it doesn't matter which way you decide, either of those answers can work. What does not work is unclear expectations.

SPEAKER_00 2:07

Exactly. Unclear expectations are where everything can kind of get really complicated. So we'll talk about number three, and that's guests. So if mom wants to bring her, I don't know, her bridge club over every Wednesday, is the main living room available? And if your kids want to have friends over for a movie night, does grandma have to kind of run away to her little suite? So you know, things to think through.

SPEAKER_01 2:29

Yeah, absolutely. And it sounds petty when you say it out loud. I promise you, the household where this hasn't been talked about, those conversations get had at the worst possible moment, in the moment, with everybody really upset.

SPEAKER_00 2:43

It's not good when it happens, but we hear about it. And number four, boundaries on the suite. So if you've got that separate entrance, you've got the private suite or the ADU, the rule of thumb that I've seen work in good multi-gen household is you knock. Even if the door's open, you knock before you go in. Mom's space is mom's space. Your space is your space.

SPEAKER_01 3:04

Yeah, you do not want to drop in on mom unannounced. And mom doesn't want to drop in on you unannounced, that's for sure. Treat it like she's a neighbor who happens to live 10 feet from you.

SPEAKER_00 3:14

Yeah, that's a great way to put it. And then number five got here is the money issues that come up after the move in. Things break, right? Water heater goes out, the roof needs replacing. Who's paying? So have a default rule. So most families that I've seen, kind of the homeowner pays the big ticket items, those repairs, but everyone chips in proportionally for shared costs. So whatever you decide, you just need to decide it before you need it.

SPEAKER_01 3:41

I think that's a great advice. And number six, which I want to add, the exit strategy. What happens when this changes? Because it will change. Mom's health, unfortunately, is going to change. Your kids' situation is going to change as well. So talk about what's the plan if mom needs to become more than we can handle at home, right? What's the plan if your son and his wife want to buy their own place in two years? Have that conversation up front. It is way easier to have it before all of the emotional stuff sets in.

SPEAKER_00 4:12

Way easier. Way, way easier. So do that before. And then number seven, and this one's kind of the big one for the blended families, in-laws. So if mom is your spouse's mom, not your mom, you know, that's a different dynamic than if she's yours. So if your spouse needs to be on board, they really do, they need to be fully on board, no resentment. And if you sense kind of any reluctance from your spouse, don't push it through. You know, make sure you guys are totally on board. That's that's going to be a recipe for resentment that will eventually leak into your marriage.

SPEAKER_01 4:45

Definitely a recipe for resentment. And related, number eight, siblings. If you've got a sibling who is not part of the day-to-day care, but who has opinions about how mom should be living, you need to address that early on. Have the conversation with the siblings before mom moves in. Make sure everyone is aligned. Otherwise, the sibling who is not doing any of the work becomes the loudest critic of how you're doing the work.

SPEAKER_00 5:11

And we have all seen that one.

SPEAKER_01 5:13

Oh, yes, we have. So, okay, you've had the family meeting, you've moved in. Now what? Garrett, what's day-to-day look like in the household set work?

SPEAKER_00 5:24

Yeah. So the best one that we've seen, we kind of talked around the office about this just from talking to our clients and getting advice seeing what's worked and what's not worked, is they have a standing family meetings once a month, about 20 minutes, you know, maybe at the kitchen table or living room, you know, whatever it is, just set it. And every adult in the house is there. They run through, here's what's coming up this month, here's the bill situation, anything bugging anyone, are there any conflicts maybe that need to be cleared? Just once a month, 20 minutes. It's just you make this single habit, Shelby, and it prevents probably 90% of all the crap that comes later.

SPEAKER_01 5:59

Oh my gosh, I love that because it keeps everyone on the same page. And the other thing the good households do, they make sure everybody has space to be alone. I mean, that is super important. Everybody has to have somewhere to go to. Have to. Yeah. Even with a perfect attached suite, if you never see your mom go a day without checking in on the kids, that gets exhausting on both sides. Encourage independence. Let mom go to her bridge club. Let your kid do their thing. The family unit is healthier when everybody also has their own life.

SPEAKER_00 6:30

Yeah, that's a really good point. You know, just kind of one more habit I want to mention, Shelby, is the good households also have what they call a designated tiebreaker. It's kind of new that I've I've heard, but um it was a good advice. When there's you got this real disagreement, the family meeting can't resolve who gets the final call. So sometimes it's the homeowner, sometimes it's whoever's on the deed, sometimes there's an outside person, like a sometimes you got the family pastor, you got a counselor, you've got maybe trusted aunt, that everyone agrees ahead of time, you know, again, before, right? Everyone agrees that they'll defer to that person. So decide up front before you actually need it.

SPEAKER_01 7:10

Exactly. Because it's much easier to make the decision before emotions are high. And the families that lean into this with humor and grace, the ones who can laugh at the awkward moments, who can apologize quickly when they've been short with each other, which we all have been there, right? Those families thrive. The families that hold grudges and keep score, those are the ones that fall apart.

SPEAKER_00 7:33

I think you just kind of have to lean into it with some grace. And on the flip side, Shelby, talk about the upside. So we spent a lot of this segment on the challenges. Yeah. But it's not just about challenges, right? So let's go ahead and talk about what amazing about this whole thing works when it works.

SPEAKER_01 7:48

Yeah, it's genuinely amazing. The grandkids who get to grow up with their grandparents under the same roof, those kids have a relationship with their grandparent that is fundamentally different from the kids who see grandma at Christmas.

SPEAKER_00 8:01

Isn't that cool? I think that's just so amazing. I think it's great.

SPEAKER_01 8:04

I love it. I want to be that grandparent.

SPEAKER_00 8:05

Right.

SPEAKER_01 8:06

Different and deeper. They learn things, they hear stories, they get a perspective on aging that most American kids never get.

SPEAKER_00 8:13

And I've had clients tell me, and we've had clients, you know, tell agents in our office when their dad lived with them this last year, those kids will tell that story to their kids someday. I mean, that those experiences they change people.

SPEAKER_01 8:25

They definitely do. It definitely changes them. And the financial piece, three or four years of two-generation cost sharing, a young couple can save $50,000, $60,000, $70,000 in down payment money. They would not have been able to save otherwise. That's a generational leg up.

SPEAKER_00 8:42

Yeah. And you know that that kind of advantage really does matter.

SPEAKER_01 8:44

It does. And for the parent, the dignity, the connection, and not being alone, that's not measurable to me by any means. It's very real.

SPEAKER_00 8:54

Yeah. No, it makes sense. So okay, great. The Shelby. So thank you. So to kind of wrap up the multi-generational home, you know, it's not just real estate decision. It's really becomes a family decision. And if you want to do it well, it may be one of the best decisions your family ever makes. And if you do it poorly, it could be the worst. So the differences really ends up being the expectations, it's those conversations up front. So just talk about it, plan it, decide it together, and then go build the life that you actually want.

SPEAKER_01 9:24

Beautifully said.

unknown 9:25

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 9:25

Shelby, is there anything that you want to leave folks with today?

SPEAKER_01 9:28

Just this. If you've been thinking about this, if you've been quietly wondering whether you should ask your mom to come live with you, or whether a daughter or her husband should move in for a while, or whether you should be looking at a multi-gen layout when you buy your next home, you're not alone. There's so many people thinking the same way. The valley is full of families having this exact conversation right now. Don't be afraid to have it out loud. The houses exist, the financing exists, and the how-to exists. What's left is the deciding.

SPEAKER_00 9:59

That's so great, Shelby. Thank you so much. And you know, before we go, if anything that you heard today got you thinking about your next move, here's how you find us. So if you head over to Idaholife.com, that's IdahoLife L I F E dot com. So there's three things that you can do there. One, you can go ahead and search every home across the Treasure Valley that's for sale. Number two, you can get a free, no obligation evaluation of what your home is worth today in today's market. So we call this a market analysis. Go get it for free. And three, we have a free guide to living in the Treasure Valley, which is great if you're new to the area or you're thinking about that move.

SPEAKER_01 10:37

All of those resources are on us, no strings attached at IdahoLife.com. And of course, you can always reach out to myself, Garrett, or any of the amazing agents that work at our incredible brokerage.

SPEAKER_00 10:49

Thank you, Shelby. So that has been it for the Idaho Life Show today, real estate in community, Garrett Thill and Shelby Matson with Idaho Life Real Estate. Take care of yourselves, take care of each other, and we'll see you next Saturday at noon.

SPEAKER_01 11:01

Can't wait.